Back on track.

I was reading "Battlefield of the mind" the other night and I was in the chapter about the "wilderness mentality".  As I was reading how the Israelites gave God nothing but problems while in the wilderness, I was reminded about of the struggles I went through for the past 10 years or so.  I spent so many years feeling sorry for myself for the situations I was going through, claiming to be a Christian, but only half hazzardly doing what God wanted. 

I remember going to "Arms of Love" and offering to volunteer.  I was hoping to get something like washing laundry or something to that effect.  But they asked if I would be a counselor....unfortunately I didn't take on that responsibility and I never called them back.  Looking back, I realize that's one of the things God wanted me to do, but I was TOO AFRAID to do it.  Now I'm asking God what he wants me to do, and honestly, I'm feeling overwhelmed with some of the things.  I need to remind myself that I need to let God take care of things and let God guide and direct me in the way I should go.  I want to do the best I can to serve him....just right now I'm not sure how that way should be.   

Walking in the light!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Thinking about how life seems to go.  Thinking about all the different phases in my life.  Thinking about how I've changed from one period to another.  When I was growing up I always had the attitude that everything would be okay no matter what.  I was raised to have faith in God, so that made things easier to handle. 

After I got married and started raising a family, things changed a little.  I finally realized how tough life can really get.  My marriage started having problems and we were raising 2 kids at the time, so I started trying to handle things without God.  I did that for several years.  I would pray, but then I would try to take over.  For a long time I felt like I was walking in the dark.  Like a dark cloud was following me everywhere I went. 

I honestly didn't shake it until the last few months.  I was trying to be a good Christian, but everyday I felt like a total failure.  I wasn't keeping my eyes and mind on God.  I wasn't being the kind of wife God wanted me to be.  I was trying to be a good mom, but I wasn't even quite cutting it there.  I was always there for them, but I wasn't really focusing like I wanted to.  And I was getting way too grumpy when they would ask me for something.  I felt like a total failure because I couldn't give them everything financially  that they needed and still have some money in the savings account for emergencies...and believe me we've had our share of emergencies.

I've had friends try to talk to me about being submissive, and I always took that word for being more like a doormat.  But now I finally get it.  God doesn't want us to be door mats....he just wants us to treat our spouses like we would want to be treated.  That's why Proverbs 31 is one of my favorite chapters.  It's about doing all we can as wives to make sure our homes are safe havens.  Our family has enough to deal with out in this world with jobs, school, activities, even their own friends sometimes.  What the family needs is a safe place to land.  And that's what I want for my family.  I'm finally paying attention to what God wants me to be as a wife, mother, friend, sister, employee and human being.  The cloud has been lifted.  I see the light!

Dealing with depression.

It's scary to admit this, but throughout my life, I've dealt with depression.  I've taken medication to help deal with it, but sometimes it just doesn't work.  I've been learning to rely on God more, and I've been feeling very refreshed about everything.  I finally feel like I can handle (with God's help, of course) just about anything that is handed to me. 

This morning I felt prompted to do my bible study, so I grabbed the Joyce Meyer "Battlefield of the Mind" book and started reading it some more.  God gave me Psalm 143:3-10 through this reading. 

3)My enemy has chased me.  He has knocked me to the ground.  He forced me to live in darkness like those in the grave. 
4)I am losing all hope;  I am paralyzed with fear.
5)I remember the days of old.  I ponder all your great works.  I think about what you have done.
6)I reach out for you.  I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
7)Come quickly, LORD, and answer me, for my depression deepens.  Don't turn away from me, or I will die.
8)Let me hear of your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting you.  Show me where to walk, for I have come to you in prayer.
9)Save me from my enemies, LORD;  I run to you to hide me.
10)Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.  May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.  NLT.

I am learning to surround myself with people who have a strong relationship with God.  I NEED positive people around me to help me have the right attitude about life.  God has given me these positive people to spend time with and I am soaking it up like a wet sponge.

Going through trials.

This weekend I got a little bit of a bomb dropped on me...not a big one by any means, but a bomb none the less!  I recieved 2 bills in the mail.  One was a medical bill and the other was my water bill.  Both were a huge surprize.  The water bill was higher than normal (which I should be used to by now) and the medical bill I was not expecting at all.

So, of course, I do the usual stressing, thinking "Great!  We already have enough bills as it is and the extra stuff the kids do...what are we gonna do?".  I even started crying and my husband couldn't understand why I was letting it get to me so much.  My problem is things have been stressful enough as it is, but we've been working on getting out of debt and this did not help.  Honestly I haven't been doing a good job of trying to get out of debt lately.  We've been paying the bills like we're supposed to, but I've been letting everyone get away with little things that add up.

My husband used to call me the Money Nazi, and for good reason.  I got so sick of being in debt that I decided to start budgeting quite a bit.  I would say NO quite a bit!  And, of course, it was driving everyone nuts!

But, I think that this weekends fiasco was a trial God allowed me to go through just to see how I would react.  I'm trying really hard to behave like an adult, praying and asking God to help me control my temper and my tongue.  I didn't want to start saying harsh things to the agents on the other end of the phone because I'm sure it's not their fault something went wrong.  Anyway....I didn't do as well as I wanted, but I made a teeny tiny improvement on the way I normally handle things...and I'm continueing to pray about it so I can know I handled it responsibly AND was an example to whomever I was dealing with.